Sunday, September 15, 2019

An Update

Dear Darlings, 

I started my blog to help others and talk openly about my struggles, to speak with people going through similar things as me and encouraging them to keep going. The week before my birthday, 5 months ago, I was not feeling my best but I pushed myself to keep working hard, starting my blog and wanting to help others. I subconsciously ignored my own mentality just excusing it off as a bad day, something that everyone has. I couldn’t accept that I was suffering because I’ve always put others first and not myself to avoid what I thought as ‘being a burden’ which was far from true. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago I was at a terrifying place in my life, I was going through one of my severe depressive episodes where I didn’t want to leave the house, talk to anyone or do anything apart from lying in bed staring at the same wall for what seemed like years. I was completely lost, broken in my own thoughts that I couldn’t think straight and told myself there was only one way to solve everything and it wasn’t healthy. There came a point when I felt so low, unable to pick myself up, felt so weak I was going to be admitted to hospital, also something I came close to doing myself when I lost all hope to find the light I needed and wanted again. That’s when I realised it wasn’t just one bad day or a few little ones, my mindset and the prolonged sadness was my depression telling me I am suffering. I didn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t look in the mirror without filling with hatred and disgust, my self harm increased and suicidal thoughts became the forefront of my mind. I was sick, my mind and heart were breaking and I didn’t help myself. I was starting to experience physical pain and symptoms due to stress and tension and having different pain from what I’ve known since my diagnosis of scoliosis. I didn’t think I would be writing another post like this, even writing dear darlings because I couldn’t even see me getting through the next hour let alone getting back into my one love which is writing, I lost interest in everything. 



Looking back at it I have no idea how I pulled myself out of such a dark, negative place and all I can is that I talked about it. I was completely lost, broken in my own thoughts that I couldn’t think straight and told myself there was only one to solve everything and it wasn’t healthy.. I’ve been clean now for 2 weeks, was feeling okay, stable and I had no idea how I pulled myself out of a place I’ve been in so many times before. There was strength inside of me so buried down by hurt and negativity that I was unable to find it for so long and it took that small step to do the most unthinkable for someone with depression. I’ve always been too scared to be happy because I knew it wouldn’t last for me, it never has done for me and I was waiting everyday for something to happen, putting myself down until it did. 


A person who was meant to be there for me, help me, promised to never leave me, did. They left without any warning and it knocked me down ackley to that lonely place. Just as I start to feel able to get through the days I was abandoned by someone who I have came to the realisation was toxic for me, the toughest realisation I’ve came to since my bullying. I couldn’t accept it. I’ve been used the past few weeks, it couldn’t have came at a worse time and it has made me feel so down about myself. I wish that happiness lasted a little longer but surely there’s a plan, that these things are meant to happen because it will make me stronger and I will learn from it. I want to focus on myself and being happy but how can I do that when I have been hurt immensely over and over, one thing happening after another and all I do is be kind to others and help them. It feels so unfair at times, I carry a good heart because that’s how I was raised. But I’ve learnt the hard way that being nice gets you nowhere. I’m the type of person who would rather be hurt and heartbroken by someone but still have them in my life because I’m too scared to be on my own. But sometimes letting them go hurts way less than holding onto a toxic person who makes you feel so crap about yourself. 

I also missed writing during the time I took a break, the distraction of being able to write my every thought down and to know it is small steps to starting my dream writing career. Right now I’m still struggling and I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m trying to get more help, I refuse to give up and I will take one day a time. 

Instagram: @_aimeedarling_
Twitter: @aimeedarlingx
Email: aimeebryanxoxo@gmail.com (any business enquires or if you need to talk to me for any reason) 

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