Tuesday, June 11, 2019

The Reality of Mental Health

Darlings,

When I started this blog I knew one of my goals was to write about mental health in order to help others going through the same thing, because the thought of another person experiencing the feelings I have felt and thinking the most difficult, unbearable thoughts that I have thought for the past three years breaks my heart in a way I can't explain. It's a different heartache I feel when I know someone is struggling and they can't talk because I know exactly how that is and trust me it's draining. Fine became part of my dictionary but with the most opposition meaning behind it and it slowly started becoming my routine and the norm to say that, revolutionising it until I mislead people into believing I was okay, and I really wasn't. But why did I say that when I was far from it? Because this society we live in stigmatises mental health so much when the worst place you could be in is inside your own head, so why doesn't it get the coverage it needs? Yes, depression and anxiety are talked about much more than it used to but people seem to forget about the other mental health conditions people sadly have to go through every day, but it's never talked about because of the negative attitude around it from weak minded people. Whatever you are going through, whatever mental health condition you have, you deserve to have peace and you are so worthy of love.

But this post is the truth about mental health because on our bad days/weeks/months we are made to believe by the demons in our head that we are unworthy of love and happiness. These thoughts have stuck with me, lived inside my mind almost like it's punishing me when I feel happy, and then it knocks me down again. Every second, every minute of every day I must fight back against the darkness that has overtook my thoughts and took advantage of the naivety I have had, even from a young age. I thought the bullying I had to go through was the worst thing ever but it's slowly came to my realisation that nothing else has tormented my every move more than my own thoughts and I very much blame those certain people because you were something that acted upon my journey of self-criticism and played a part on my belief in thinking I was nothing, you used that against me because I was quiet and not like everyone else, knowing perfectly well how much I was going through already from just recently having spine surgery. I never understood why people did this to me and so I blamed myself, punished myself because I strongly believed it was something I was doing wrong. Was it my looks? Was I not pretty enough for them to be seen with? Am I boring? Am I embarrassing? These thoughts causing a whirlwind and interrupting my way of functioning. And since that I don't trust many people at all so I stay quiet in college, I don't speak in class because I'm afraid of it happening again, I believe people see me as fragile and will do exactly the same because "I look like the type of person to do so". This is a thought that has disrupted my coping of getting through my daily life and became a thought I believed in. I can't explain the anxiousness I feel when sat in a classroom, I become so nervous I don't notice the fidgeting I am doing with my fingers or taking my ring on and off, keeping my head down so I avoid any eye contact with the fear that I have had since school, teens. I know what it's like to be used, to feel so lonely when surrounded by a room full of people. So, I isolate myself and then I feel down about being lonely. One week I am okay and the next I don't want to leave the house. The thing is with mental health it can get so confusing and that causes me more anxiety because I don't get why I feel like this and how quickly it can change. 


Last week I didn't want to leave the house, I was too scared to even step out of the front door because I knew I had to smile and act like everything was okay and that was too tiring for me to do. I was so fed up with everything, lost interest in everything once again, stopped caring, wanting to give up as I believed I would never get better and out of this black hole I was suffocating in. Usually I can manage to pick myself back up and get to college but that was nauseating, and I felt I had no strength at all. I wanted to stop writing and that is a very unusual thing for me as that is something I absolutely adore and consider that a distraction, but even that seemed so tiresome and I just didn't want to do anything anymore. Then I started thinking about how much blogging has helped me, how many people I have spoken to who have thanked me for helping them, the opportunity of talking about mental health to a MP that is coming up and the fact I am going to look at universities in a couple weeks' time and I thought no matter how tough things can get, how much the monsters in your head tell you that you have no purpose, you do because you're here, breathing and alive. Surely that's something right? Then I thought to myself about the times when I didn't think I would see out of that day never mind that week, and the breakdowns I have had in the past due to not being able to take anymore. My biggest one left me thinking it was impossible for me to go on and that was 3 years ago. Even 6 months ago I was saying the same thing and I am writing this post. So, Sunday evening I left the house and although it was for a short time I did. I walked along a promenade and it was so relaxing, I was with three of the most important people in my life, my dogs and my mum.


One of the scary things about mental health is you never know who is struggling because it's so hidden, since it's all in the mind and it can be so difficult to explain that. That's why I urge anyone to reach out to those you know and love with a mental health condition and remind them how proud of them you are, tell them they matter. Because even just a quick message can completely change someone's mindset. 





If you have any questions, ideas on what you want me to write about, or even just a chat my dm's are always open or you can email at aimeebryanxoxo@gmail.com 
My Instagram is @_aimeedarling_ and my Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/aimeedarlingx



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