Reflection on May..and the Spice Girls.

Darlings, 

The only way I can describe May as is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. I started off the week at the hospital after suffering with severe chest pains and numbness down my right arm, so intense and scary that I got checked out. I am very thankful that it was nothing serious and there is a possibility that it was an anxiety attack but with new and severe symptoms, different to what I usually have. It drained me, panicked me and that's why the fact it could have been due to my anxiety didn't even cross my mind. The end of the week I was at a Spice Girls concert on my own with my closest friend and I am still shocked with myself. How everything can change in just a couple of days when you actually put a little belief in yourself and don't let your mental health overrule you is maddening and beyond me. However it was extremely weird to feel so carefree and not have the shakiness in my legs and the pounding of my heart that endures me daily because I took control for once and I want that to last forever, I know it was only one day but it was the happiest few hours that I have felt in the longest time. My mental health conditions and bullies took away everything from me including my happiness and my self belief which I blame for the reasoning of my guiltiness for being truly happy and thinking of myself for once, the strangest feeling.

Overall, it is an absolute dream to say I have seen THE Spice Girls live. I got to sing to Viva Forever and dance to the Lady is a Vamp. My heart warmed at a proposal and my feet couldn't stop at Wannabe. It was truly the best, most special and adoring concert I ever been to and the atmosphere and visuals were the highlights. To see my favourite spice girl which obviously has to be Ginger Spice - of course making a reference to my ginger hair - There were fireworks, butterfly confetti and the most amazing dresses that you could imagine, Geri's being my favourite with the golden crown looking like a queen.

I just want to take a moment to say to myself and everyone who is reading this that no matter what happens in life, no matter who tries to cross you negatively, never let anymore people take away my happiness because I and everyone else deserves to be happy and experience the feeling I felt on that night. Your time and day will come when the weight will be lifted off your shoulders and it doesn't matter how long it lasts, the importance is that it is happening. I'm still learning to allow myself to feel happy and not be so self critical on myself but for now, I achieved something which I can reflect on as a motivator and for once anxiety didn't take over. The thing that got me through was myself, through self talk and self reassurance. I kept saying You will be okay to myself the night before over and over and over again until I started to slowly believe it. Don't get me wrong it was terrifying the thought but when I got there and the nerves calmed down and I started to feel more relaxed as the night went on, it was prove that you can do anything and that anxiety and the overthinking is so much more scary and causes more worry than actually being there.

"Don't let the fear of what could happen make nothing happen" 

I think in that moment I was done being "the girl with anxiety" and I wanted to prove mainly to myself and others that I can do it and I wanted to do it, a rewarding moment to look back on for a lifetime. The truth is anxiety is within you and you are the only one who can fight off that fear because life is too short and I know personally I don't want to look back on my teenage years when I am in my 30's thinking of all the things I wanted to do but didn't because I allowed the fear and anxiety beforehand control me, so this time I took control. I find that physically talking to myself out loud almost like telling myself off (as weird as that may sound!) works for me. Just try it today, take a small step and tell yourself out loud No, I will do it and keep saying it until it makes a difference. By doing this nothing will happen, it's just an illusion and a thought in your head stopping you which is the terrifying thing, anxiety will not hurt you, it will not attack you. Anxiety will easily make you feel trapped or haunted but you have to remember you're always in control, as hard as that may feel. When anxiety becomes cyclic and seemingly out of your control, you have to keep in the back of your mind that realistically it's still just a part of you and will never physically harm you. This right here is the most important realisation that I am slowly beginning to recognise, because it can help shift you from feeling victimised, alone, empty to feeling empowered and strong.

I hope by me sharing this with you and proving to you about a fear off mine that I conquered for the first time will make you feel not so alone and the reassurance that you can do anything you dream of. If you are reading this and you are suffering, please remember that you are strong, you can be happy and will be, and to always keep a lovely smile on your faces! I wish every single of you all the luck in the world with whatever it is you are battling and one day you will tick off that goal of yours that you have kept written in your diary and it will be the best, most rewarding feeling ever. For now take care of yourself and take it easy.








If you have any questions, ideas on what you want me to write about, or even just a chat my dm's are always open or you can email at aimeebryanxoxo@gmail.com 
My Instagram is @_aimeedarling_ and my Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/aimeedarlingx

♥